Learning Guiltless Sex in a Culture Laden with Sexual Guilt
There is a tendency among those who theorize about human sexuality to refer to animal species' sexual patterns as a justification for their positions on modern human sexual relations. This approach is fraught with logical flaws. The social Darwinians are pathetically prone to justify
, using a similar argument, humanity’s violent and warlike tendencies and dog-eat-dog free enterprise economy along with our biologically determined drive toward monogamy and heterosexual, two parent families. If you are observant, however, you may have noticed that monogamy is a miserable failure. Marriage as a legal contractual relation only began relatively late in human history. In ancient times, it was practiced only by royalty and wealthy elites in order to form reliable alliances with neighboring nations or Feudal States.Even in modern times, legal, conventional marriage is not practiced by a sizable minority, cohabitation being an affordable, reasonable alternative. The only people to benefit from the marriage contract are corporations, organized religions, and, particularly, lawyers. Social anthropologists have observed that natives in Africa and the Amazon and Australian Aborigines are an exception to positions taken by American conservative politicians. These seem to do quite well with having the whole tribe take the role of parent to all of the children. The most vocal proponents of conventional, legal marriage are those like the many conservative Institutes for Family Values
. All around the world, pre-urbanization, community oriented, societies typically consider the raising of children a tribal or community responsibility. Promiscuity, as Americans pejoratively refer to it, is typically the rule in such societies. Even among the highly developed ancient Egyptians, sexual relations were common between any combinations of people. In that society and era, the records indicate virginity was non-existent. They had no legal alternative to unrestricted, free love. Unlegislated sexual relations was their national life style and they seemed to have had one of the most successful, earliest civilizations. The ancient Minoans were known for females being the leaders and sexual freedom was the way of their culture as well. Significantly, the Minoans are regarded by scholars as being the most peaceful and non-violent society ever.In the culture of America
, with its puritanical, legalistic, approach to sex and marriage on the one hand and its notorious reputation for promiscuity and illicit affairs on the other, there is an epidemic of the soul shattering, huge gap between persons private personality and public persona. No private person-public persona split of the magnitude present in the US culture can escape endemic emotional pain and even psychosomatically generated illnesses. Another prevalent consequence is social anxiety and defensiveness. Americans do not have the luxury of saying to themselves or those close to them that if 'the other' disapproves, then so be it. This psychic malady also perpetrates an almost universal tendency to be judgmental and to spread scandalous rumors about the sex lives of others.Of course, I am not advising people to broadcast the shady deeds and thoughts of their private personalities. Rather, I suggest that every one respect the right to privacy of everyone else. Ultimately, I feel that the most psychologically healthy approach is to have no private personality. It is just a matter of preference and I do not want to impose on anyone else. A certain inner toughness may be required for those who have not been to suddenly become so thoroughly open about all aspects of their lives. Some fortunate souls grow up with the tendency to be open about their feelings and their life histories. To be true to my philosophy on this matter, I will disclose my own sexual history that many might consider a bit on the profligate side. In summary, now in my old age, I have been sexually inactive for a very long time. However, in my past I had sex with about thirty-five women. Contrariwise, I attempted and failed to have sex with about that same number. Eventually, I came to understand that the drive to have sex is only one ingredient involved in completing the act. Yet, I also must note that all of my sex partners were wholly as willing as was I. I never saw any indication, either at the time of the encounter or much later, that these sexual encounters had the least adverse affects on these women.
While on this topic, I shall also recount that my childhood was full of sexual explorations with both little boys and little girls. I saw no difference in the degree of curiosity or enjoyment between the boys and girls. Later on, from puberty at twelve years of age until sometime in my fifteenth year, I had almost constant sexual experiences with my male peers. These experiences occurred between me and from one other peer to as many as four, six, and even at times up to a dozen or more male peers in a room engaging in what was called a ‘round pound.’ Again, I never detected the slightest negative effects on any of them or me. Furthermore, these experiences did not change my sexual preference away from girls to boys. Later, when I had sexual experiences with females, I found that immensely satisfying, more so than sex with boys. Nevertheless, the earlier sex with boys remains in memory as one of great pleasure.
What I now hypothesize is that each person has their own unique criteria for sex partners and for types of sex acts. These criteria are both the fuel for our lustful fantasy lives and the stimulus in our quest for sex partners. If critical inner criteria for fulfillment are not met, even when the opportunity is clearly there, a person, male or female, may not be able to successfully complete the act (though women can easily fake it). The sex appeal of a person is only one of the dominant criteria.
Over the years, with gaining knowledge of other cultures and an enormous variety of Americans, I have concluded that the sexual conventions of cultures are purely arbitrary. Family history, religious background, early experiences, and such can combine to impose guilt for one's sexual behavior that I now feel is wholly unjustified. We Americans are plagued with and burdened down with what I now feel to be rather bizarre taboos. Yes, I too just like many of you, had ‘so called illicit sex’ with married women. Let me phrase that differently: yes, married women had sex with me. Often quite enjoyable sex for both of us. I had very few sexual relations with either married or single women while I was married but I do not judge or disparage those who have. I was married four times and cohabitating with the same number
. I never was aware of any negative emotional consequences other than the fact that separating seems usually to be a stressful and painful process. The only other negative consequences I can recall are those resulting from marriage law and the conduct of divorce lawyers. That aspect seems to be almost universally emotionally and financially devastating. The effects on the children of such rancorous legal proceedings seem to be the worst of all.One fascinating observations that have made over the years is that sexual intimacy, especially if one is not judgmental, can usher forth the most intimate and detailed recounting of one's sexual past. In addition, in my practice of psychotherapy, I was astounded to hear confessions of the disregard of such a vast variety of sexual taboos. I was, at first, amazed to hear the sexual exploits of seemingly quite prudish women. One shocker was the extent to which women have sex with children. Another shocker was the extent of incest between parents and children and between siblings. Yet another surprise was the extent of non-marital and extra-marital sex among the clergy of all faiths. The same revelations were true for same sex sexual experiences within these groups.
After fifty years of hearing sexual confessions from clients, lovers, and friends, I have concluded, as you probably have, that sexual relations in general actually tend to reduce violence. I am reminded of the sixties slogan "Make love, not war!" People who engage in sex of whatever kind, overall and in general, seem to be more accepting and tolerant. It is when the ideas of the woman as property
, the necessity for exclusivity, and legal marriage contracts enter the picture; violence and harmful discord of all types ensue. You may be thinking, and if so you are correct in assuming, that homophobia (mostly male toward male) is a major source of violence.I have begun speculating, after much research, that the earliest humans, especially the cavemen, must have been prone to have sex with whoever was ready and willing. The recent discovery of the Bonobo Apes has definitely stimulated a rethinking of human sexuality. While realizing I cannot make inferences from any other species to the human species as all species have the unique characteristics, I find it most interesting that the Bonobos have very frequent sex and have it with anyone who is ready and willing. It is impossible to tell who the father of a child is. The tribe raises the children. Moreover, most worthy of note is that the Bonobos are regarded by primatologists as the most non-violent of all animal species, at least of all primates.
In conclusion, I must suggest that our overpowering cultural influences cause us to pseudo-incorporate taboos and pseudo-dis-incorporate our native sexual instincts and experiences of pleasure derives from the senses. If possible, we should learn to unlearn these taboos. For the mass of people, rich and poor alike, proclaiming that they do not commit such taboos is a mere façade. However, over and above the disaster of being discovered by a shunning-prone, hypocritically prim, and straight-laced public, many of these taboos are blockaded by a phalanx of idiotic, scientifically unjustified
, legal prohibitions that carry stiff penalties. Therefore, one must use extreme caution when evaluating whether to attempt to try out engaging in one of those taboos. Nevertheless, these laws merely generate hesitation and they are more observed in their breach than adherence. As I mentioned earlier, I suspect well nigh a majority of the population has done so at one time or another in their lives. In the end, the sexual litigiousness of our society is probably more harmful to our population than any physical disease.The lesson, my friends is to eschew the slightest hint of guilt for your sexual past as your partners most likely suffered no harm, more likely experienced much pleasure, and have preserved just as fond reminiscences as you probably still enjoy.
The more influential the female is, the more peaceful the society.
The fewer restrictions on sexual behavior, the more the peaceful society.
American Swing
2008 New York City's Plato's Retreat, the legendary sex club that
catered to adventurous heterosexual couples in the 1970s and beyond.